June

June was supposed to be such a joyous month for us. Our long awaited, much loved son was due June 26. When we were told his due date I remember looking forward to June as a new beginning, the beginning of our time as parents.

Since our son died I have dreaded June. And now it is here. And rather than looking forward to welcoming our son, I am faced with surgery. And I don't know when, if ever, we will be able to try for another pregnancy.

I had a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) last Friday. A SIS is an ultrasound where the doctor pumps the uterus full of saline and examines the inside of the uterus to see if there are abnormalities. The SIS before I did IVF last Fall was completely normal. The one I had on Friday showed something very abnormal. The doctor suggested it could be one of three things: retained placenta from my previous pregnancy, scar tissue, or a perforation of the uterine wall. I will have a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy on June 18 to determine what it is and to try and fix it.

To say I am scared would be an understatement. I am completely distraught. Why is all of this happening to us? Why can't we manage to get a break? What if I'm told I can never have a baby? I just can't handle that. It's just too much.

And this is just the first day of June.