Complaints Department

So, I need to get something off my chest.

The woman in the office next door to me is newly pregnant. She did IVF, and this is her first pregnancy (she is just over 40). While I'm glad for her, it sucks to be me and constantly hear about it. I mean, all day long. She's only about 8 weeks pregnant, and she should be happy to finally be pregnant. That's a wonderful thing. But she complains all day long about feeling sick. Not sick enough not to go mountain bike riding (WTF? after conceiving via IVF at an advanced maternal age?), but sick enough to complain. She's told just about everyone, whether in phone or in person. I know this because I can hear everything while I am sitting at my desk trying to work. Now, you'd think she'd be a little more selective about who she tells and when. But no.

W. actually said to me, earlier today, that I probably don't want to hear her complain about food not sounding good and "what she would do to have just one meal that tastes good". I just nodded and smiled. I went through all of that and worse, I was in quite a bit of pain and on bed rest. And what did I get? Nothing but a dead baby and a lot of grief. But she complains about everything she can't eat: sushi, blue cheese, coffee and wine. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with much more of this. And she is constantly eating pot.ato chips. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

I really can't stand it. Sure, she should be happy. She should be ecstatic. But please, enough with the constant complaints. And have some respect for me. And everyone else in this little tiny office space. I don't know how I'm going to stay at this job much longer. That is, without losing the little bit of sanity I have left.

Speaking of the job, I have little to nothing to do and have to do my best to look busy. I know I should be glad to have a job at all in this economy but it's just been so lousy here for so long. Unfortunately, the job market is the pits right now and I can't see looking for another job while I'm in the process of going through another round of treatments. It's just not that easy to slip away for appointments when you've just started a new job.

But, speaking of treatments, last Saturday I started the BCP which is the first step of my FET protocol. Here's my protocol (if I can get through it without my joints and lungs giving me too many problems):

August 1 Start lupron injections.

August 7 Take final BCP.

August 14 Suppression check. Transvaginal ultrasound to determine whether ovaries have cysts and that no follicles are being formed.

August 15 If suppressed decrease lupron and start estrace supplementation at increasing levels to mimic natural cycle. I will also be utilizing acupuncture to prepare my lining for hopeful implantation.

August 29 Endometrial lining check. Literally, my endometrial lining will be measured via ultrasound.

August 30 If endometrial lining is acceptable reduce estraceand start PIO injections.

September 3 Possible embryo transfer, if all goes well.

I'm feeling really scared about whether the estrogen will send me into a world of hurt again. And wondering how I will get through all of the minutes and hours between now and all that is to come, or not come, ahead.

Is Pain on the Horizon?

At my post-op this past Monday we were given the go-ahead to do a FET cycle after my next period arrives. I'm excited that we might, possibly, really be moving forward. But I'm also scared to death. Dr. S wants me on a protocol that includes estrace, and since I still have joint pain from my time on Premarin this winter I'm not keen on it. I'm really afraid that my joint and lung pain will intensify. Worse, I'm worried that whatever is going on, likely an autoimmune problem, will be raised from whence it sleeps and that it will create real problems for me.

After taking the Premarin I would literally wake up in the morning nearly unable to move my hands. I had the strangest sensations and my hands hurt intensely all the time. I still have joint pain but it is much less intense. And even though I've been told by multiple doctors that I don't have lupus or rheumatoid arthritis because I have had two negative ANA (anti-nuclear antibodies) tests and a negative rheumatoid factor, I don't believe it. Something is wrong with me and I fear that I will never feel as well as I did before my pregnancy with Benjamin. And I worry that it will get worse and I will be told I shouldn't get pregnant. Ever.

Mr. Chop and I learned that Dr. S prefers to use some or all of our Day 3 embryos. This was a surprise because we thought the four blastocysts would have better odds. On the contrary. Actually, blasts have a harder shell and have a poorer thaw rate than their junior counterparts. So I guess we'll be going with the Day 3 boys and girls.

So now we wait. And pray that problems won't develop. Oh yeah, and that the FET will work. And that a resulting pregancy will bring us that child we long to hold.

Trying Again

So it's been a hellish couple of months. I'll talk about it another time. When I'm in a better space.

We are ready to try again. Well, actually, we've been trying for a couple of months but we don't seem to be able to get pregnant through sex so. . . back to the clinic we go. It will be a frozen embryo transfer (FET) this time, using leftover embryos from our IVF last fall.

I will be doing a lupron protocol starting after my next LH surge. I'm supposed to use ovulation predictor kits until I show a surge, and seven days later I start lupron, then go to estrace, then progesterone shots. I'm really scared about starting this again. And I'm really scared that I will have severe joint pain again.

So, after the loss I was prescribed premarin to rebuild my uterine lining. A few days after starting the estrogen, I developed bad joint pain. I woke up in the morning with stiff, achy joints and they hurt all day. It was hard to do much of anything, my hands hurt so bad. Sounded a lot like rheumatoid arthritis or lupus. That and the pleuritic chest pain I still have. But my rheumatoid factor was low and I had two negative ANA tests and was told I therefore did not likely have an autoimmune disease. And none of the doctors I saw (my internist, my peri, a rheumatologist and my reproductive endocrinologist) felt that the premarin was a factor in causing the joint pain. So here I go again, back on the estrogen. Hoping I'm not doomed to have joint pain for months. Because as bad as infertility is, infertility paired with chronic pain is even worse. And according to the protocol, if you do get pregnant they continue the estrace and progesterone for ten to twelve weeks.

So I just hope for once there is good news. Lasting good news. Long awaited good news. A healthy pregnancy. A living, healthy baby. No more joint pain.

I would pray but I gave up on praying when our son died. Although I find myself unconsciously sneaking one in now and then.