EDD

Benjamin's estimated due date was today. I feel so much sorrow, and there's nothing to do with it except to try to move on. Some days I feel like I'm moving forward. Not today. Today it feels as though I will always be in this place. So lonely.

I wish things were different.

Goodbye Septum

I had my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy late last week. And while my RE, we'll call him Dr. S, was expecting to find damage from my D & E or my D & C procedures in January, there was none. I feel really fortunate about that. What the doctor did find, however, was a small uterine sub septum or a versus arcuate uterus.

A uterine septum is a congenital abnormality of the uterus. In the most extreme cases, it can actually cause the uterus to be divided into two separate chambers. The above illustration is courtesy of a blog about Mullerian Anomalies and actually shows a full septate uterus. My septum was partial, and in Dr. S's opinion, was either a small septum or could have even fallen within the spectrum of a normal uterine shape. Septums can cause repeat miscarriages and be a factor in infertility.

In my case even though the septum was small, the doctor felt it created hostile territory for implantation. He likened it to trying to plant a seed in concrete. Septums can cause miscarriage because the tissue is nonvascular. Unfortunately Dr. S does not know whether it had anything to do with my pPROM at 15 weeks. But it certainly wasn't helping our fertility situation any, and I'm glad to be rid of it.

I've spent the last couple of days recuperating. I don't know if it's the anesthesia or my general health issues, but I have been absolutely exhausted. I took have a day off yesterday to nap. I could easily sleep 16 hours a day right now.

To "celebrate" Father's Day, Mr. Chop and I went to see the new Pixar movie, "Up". It is an incredible movie, but for those of you dealing with infertility and loss, and are in particularly vulnerable times, I would recommend not seeing it. At least not right now. Without giving the story away, there is a very poignant montage describing the love a couple have for each other and their inability to have a family. Ever. I spent much of the movie with tears running down my face and so did Mr. Chop. It is a wonderful movie that is well worth seeing, just make sure you're in the right mental space for it.

Organ Recital

Since the loss of our son, every time I go on estrogen supplementation my joints ache. I go from feeling like a relatively healthy 33 year old woman to a postmenopausal centarian. I'm taking a BCP to prepare for my upcoming surgery and my hands and feet ache. Yesterday my shoulder hurt, today it's my right knee. And then there's the chest pain, which is basically achy lungs that last for weeks. And fatigue.

And I've seen a rheumatologist, a perinatalogist, my reproductive endocrinologist, and my GP. None of whom think the estrogen is related to the joint pain but somehow, every time I go on estrogen my joint pain flares up, and that's the only time, other than immediately before my menstrual periods. The rheumatologist tested me for lupus and rheumatoid arthritis but none of the tests indicated an autoimmune disease. And yet my symptoms are very much like those diseases, and the suffering I experience is very real. It is very frustrating to hurt for months on end and have every doctor just throw their hands up.

My problem with estrogen is a real issue for a couple who can conceive only with the help of fertility treatments. I had no problem during the stimulation part of my IVF cycle last Fall, and had no joint pain during the pregnancy. So I will be in big trouble if estrogen is needed after my surgery next week. Which is very possible, especially if I have a uterine perforation.

And a frozen embryo transfer protocol always includes estrogen supplementation, unless it is unmedicated, which my clinic generally does not do. But I think I need to raise the topic again, because if I'm going to attempt another pregnancy, I need to shoot for being as healthy as possible.

Five Months

It hurts to live without you, Benjamin. It's been five long months.

Love,

Mommy

My Imagination

Sometimes I allow myself to think of what might have been. We could be preparing for a baby to enter the world. Our son.

Buying way more stuff than one baby could ever need.

Going to a baby shower. For our baby.

Stocking up on cloth diapers, wondering if we'll get the hang of it.

Painting and decorating our middle bedroom.

My breasts and belly would be swollen and my back would ache.

We'd be anticipating B.'s arrival, knowing that any day, we'd see his face, kiss his toes, marvel at his soft baby skin.

We'd proudly hand him to his grandparents. The first grandchild for all four.

Sometimes I let my imagination run away.

Because we'll never see our boy, never hold him in our arms. Never tell him just how much he means to us. That he is our world. That we waited and waited for him. That no baby was ever loved more.

June

June was supposed to be such a joyous month for us. Our long awaited, much loved son was due June 26. When we were told his due date I remember looking forward to June as a new beginning, the beginning of our time as parents.

Since our son died I have dreaded June. And now it is here. And rather than looking forward to welcoming our son, I am faced with surgery. And I don't know when, if ever, we will be able to try for another pregnancy.

I had a saline infusion sonogram (SIS) last Friday. A SIS is an ultrasound where the doctor pumps the uterus full of saline and examines the inside of the uterus to see if there are abnormalities. The SIS before I did IVF last Fall was completely normal. The one I had on Friday showed something very abnormal. The doctor suggested it could be one of three things: retained placenta from my previous pregnancy, scar tissue, or a perforation of the uterine wall. I will have a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy on June 18 to determine what it is and to try and fix it.

To say I am scared would be an understatement. I am completely distraught. Why is all of this happening to us? Why can't we manage to get a break? What if I'm told I can never have a baby? I just can't handle that. It's just too much.

And this is just the first day of June.